


Hurts Like Hell

by Blehlove



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forgiveness, Sane Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII), Shameless Smut, Young Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII), angst out the ass, seriously the angst has angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:15:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blehlove/pseuds/Blehlove
Summary: Alysia Welsch has been haunted by her past for eight agonizing years. Madness tore the man she loved from her arms, bringing her life to a standstill. In hopes of finding some semblance of a normal life she joins the WRO, trying to atone for others sins. But how can she move forward when the source of her despair is impossibly thrust back into her life? A story of redemption.
Relationships: Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII)/Original Female Character(s), Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife
Kudos: 8





	1. My Immortal

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I took some creative liberties and all that but don’t we all? I started writing this years ago but have decided to start it up again after playing the remake for the second time!
> 
> The title comes from the song Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie which just fits this story so well. 
> 
> “How can I say this without breaking?  
> How can I say this without taking over?  
> How can I put it down into words?  
> When it's almost too much for my soul alone
> 
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> And it hurts like hell  
> Yeah, it hurts like hell
> 
> I don't want them to know the secrets  
> I don't want them to know the way I loved you  
> I don't think they'd understand it, no  
> I don't think they would accept me, no
> 
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> And it hurts like hell  
> Yeah, it hurts like hell
> 
> Dreams fight with machines  
> Inside my head like adversaries  
> Come wrestle me free  
> Clean from the war
> 
> Your heart fits like a key  
> Into the lock on the wall  
> I turn it  
> I turn it  
> But I can't escape  
> I turn it over  
> I turn it over
> 
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
> And it hurts like hell”

" _I can endure almost anything but I wouldn't be able to survive the loss of you. You are the only person who truly knows me, you are the closest thing to home I will ever have. I've never said the words aloud, maybe it's my pride, or maybe I'm just frightened of your response but if I don't say it now I think I'll go mad…I love you Alysia."_

How many times have those word replayed in my mind? Eight years and I'm still haunted by every word he ever spoke, every smile, every look, every touch. Time does not heal all wounds. When you love someone with so much intensity that it steals your breath away and then they're abruptly and savagely torn from your grasp, not by death, or someone else's actions, but from their own madness, there is no way to move past that. I'm plagued by nightmares and memories that will never vanish. I guess I too lost my mind that fateful day eight years ago. Sephiroth, it's _me_ that can't survive the loss of you. I am so sorry that I couldn't save you.

* * *

"Aly! Quit spacing out!" Hearing my name makes me focus on what's going on around me. I smile apologetically at my energetic friend.

"Sorry Yuffie."

I still get lost in my thoughts too often to be normal. I wonder if everyone wonders why I am the way I am? I know there are times when I'm too quiet, when sadness clearly emanates out of me. Somehow I think they all know that my story is something too painful to ever ask about. Instead I'm welcomed with open arms into this band of misfits. They don't ask why I'm so willing to devote my time and energy to their cause. I mean who wouldn't want to help to rebuild our world? Cloud and Tifa know that there's more to me than just an ex Shinra scientist. They were both there that last day, the day that changed everything. I know they remember me but they've never brought it up, they've never asked why I was in the reactor.

"Are you ok?" This time it's Tifa that speaks. Her hand rests on my shoulder, she smiles warmly, always concerned for others.

"I'm fine. I'm just not used to having this much down time. I hope Reeve finds another job for me soon." I'm a member of the WRO, it usually keeps me pretty busy. The past few days there hasn't been much work for me though.

"You deserve the break, you work so hard all the time. Besides, I'm enjoying having you at the bar with me." I've been helping Tifa out at 7th Heaven. I hate having any time left alone with my thoughts. I honestly enjoy the company of all the former AVALANCHE members.

I know that I only ever got involved with the WRO because of _him._ Some part of me feels like I should try to atone for his sins, though they are far too many to ever make up for. And I know that there's some twisted part of me that got involved with these people because of their ties to him. He has affected all of their lives in such a profound way that they'll never truly heal. _Just like me._ I wonder what they would think if they knew my story, _his_ story. But what would be the point? They hated him, and for good reason. All they knew of him was the person he became at the end. . No one wants to know the villains backstory. Why try to humanize a monster?

"Well thank you for having me Tifa. Do you need any help tonight?" She lets out a sigh.

"You're not going to relax even for a minute are you? You can bartend tonight if you'd like." I smile at her in thanks.

"Do you ever have fun? I swear all you do is work." Yuffie cocks an eyebrow at me. I really can't remember the last time I had fun.

"I like working, I like keeping busy." The ninja shrugs her shoulders in defeat.

"Whatever ya say Aly!"

* * *

I actually don't mind bartending. And surprisingly I do like interacting with people. I've always been a social person, I used to be very outgoing. Now I'm more withdrawn and in my own head. But I can break out of my shell when put in situations like this.

"Hey babe, mind grabbin me another beer?" I glare at the redhead in front of me. I do as he asks and set the beer in front of him.

"How many times do I have to ask you to not call me babe Reno?" He smirks and tilts his beer at me before taking a swig.

"Think you'd be used to it by now babe. How long have we known each other now?" I've known Reno since his first days with Shinra.

"Thirteen years, a veeeerry long thirteen years." He hasn't changed much actually. We've always gotten a long pretty well though.

"Very long is right. Sometimes I miss the good ol days at Shinra." Something about his statement instantly makes my mood darken.

"Those weren't good days, not really. We were a bunch of naïve, blind, fools. Everything is shot to shit because of that company." He looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"You think the world is as fucked as it is just because of Shinra?" I can feel the eyes of other people on us now. Cloud and Yuffie sit a few stools away from Reno, I know they're now focused on our conversation as well as Tifa who stands beside me behind the bar.

"I don't just think that, I know it." He chuckles humorlessly.

"You forget about a certain psychopath whose actions led to the destruction of this city?" My blood runs cold. _Please don't go there._

"Reno…" I try to cut him off, to stop him from saying anything more on the matter.

"Shinra fucked things up bad, I'm not denyin that. But the world was almost decimated because of Sephiroth." I'm shaking now, too many emotions are swirling around inside of me. Anger is the most prominent. I slam my hand down hard on the bar in front of Reno. He jumps in surprise. The bars gone quiet.

" _Shinra_ ruined everything, they ruined _him_." I can feel the questioning gazes of everyone on me, I can hear the whispers.

I come back to myself slowly. The anger drains away leaving nothing but the ever constant pain, tears threaten to pour down my cheeks.

I turn away from Reno. Tifa looks concerned, she reaches out to lay a hand on my shoulder but I push past her. I can't breathe, my feet somehow carry me past all the nosy bar patrons and the front door.

I can hear someone calling my name but I just keep walking until I reach my car. Edge is bright at night, the lights from the skyscrapers and downtown businesses make it almost impossible to see the sky. All I want to do is see the stars. I spent years of my life unable to look up at the sky above. My head is pounding, all I want to do is scream. Everything makes me think of him, every little thing.

* * *

_Twenty three years ago_

"I'm sorry Alysia but I just can't live without your father." Mom has a gun in her hand, she's crying. A man came to the door earlier to tell us daddy was killed by a monster at work, he was just a construction worker, but sometimes monsters come into the slums and nobody does anything about it.

Mom tells me to go outside and play. I don't want to, she looks so sad, I'm sad too. She locks the door when I walk out the door. I hear a gunshot. I knock on the door even though deep down I know no one will answer. I'm all alone.

It's already getting dark out and I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. No one cares about others here in the slums, not even a crying eight year old. People walk by without giving me a second glance. I wrap my arms around my knees and hide my face.

"Are you alright?" I jump at the sudden voice.

A boy is standing in front of me. He has shoulder length silver hair and strange green eyes. He looks a couple years older than me, he's tall.

"No. I'm alone." He tilts his head to the side in thought.

"Where are your parents?" Tears prick my eyes again.

"Me and mom found out my dad died this morning. She locked me out of the house and then I heard a gunshot. She's dead, I know she's dead." He looks genuinely sad for me. I don't even know his name.

"I'm an orphan too." His voice is barely above a whisper. He holds his hand out to me, I don't know why I take it, but somehow I know I can trust him. He pulls me to my feet.

"You can come with me…so you're not alone." He holds my hand and leads me all the way to the train station. He doesn't let go of my hand even on the train

"Where are we going?" I don't like the weird people on the bus.

"I live in an orphanage owned by Shinra, It's actually right by their headquarters." My heart starts beating fast.

"I've never been out of the slums." He looks sad for me again but then he smiles a little.

"We'll stay out and look at the stars for a little while then, you'll like it." I'd only ever seen pictures of the sky.

"The people at the orphanage just let you leave?" He laughs and shakes his head.

"I kind of ran away. There's this weird guy in a lab coat that comes sometimes to give me check ups, he was supposed to come today and I didn't want to see him. He gives me the creeps and he always makes me train a lot harder than usual." A doctor?

"Train for what?"

"I'm learning how to fight. Everyone says I'm really good at it, I even have a sword. Shinra wants me to join their army when I'm old enough." He seems way too young to be fighting, he cant be much older than me.

"How old are you?"

"I'm ten." I knew he wasn't that much older.

The train stops and I follow the boy out of the doors.

My mouth hangs open at the sights around me. It's so clean up here, people are dressed nicely. The boy tugs me along behind him. After a few minutes he leads me into a building. We jog up a few flights of stairs before he holds a door open for me. I gasp loudly as I step onto the roof of the building.

The sky is so huge, its dark blue, thousands of stars twinkle above us. Tears stream down my face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" The boy has his hands on my shoulders, he's worried again.

"I've never seen anything so pretty, thank you." He smiles at me in a way that no one ever has before, he looks like he really cares.

"My names Sephiroth, what's yours?" I like his name even though its kind of weird.

"Alysia." He grabs my hand again and gives it a squeeze.

"I'll make sure the orphanage takes you in. I promise I'll show you all kinds of pretty things Alysia. Neither of us will ever be alone again."

* * *

_Present day_

I finally stop driving when the road comes to an abrupt end. I get out of my car and stare down into what used to be the slums. The ruins of Midgar are downright eerie at night. It's a huge pile of twisted metal and rubble. Shinra's former headquarters still towers over the rest of the area, even though its not even half the building it used to be. Sometimes I wish the remnants of this city didn't exist. _So much happened here._

A steep footpath has been built into the walls leading down to the slums, it was made when everyone realized the cure for Geostigma existed in the sector five church. I don't know why I'm headed there now. Coming here is painful for me but sometimes when I need some perspective I find some peace at the old church. I myself only met the Cetra girl Aeris once, from that one meeting though I know she was a kind soul, she didn't deserve what happened to her. Again my thoughts have been dragged somewhere that I don't want to be. _Eevrything leads back to him._

I know monsters still flock to the ruins but I'm not scared of much anymore, perhaps it's because I'm not afraid of death. Besides, I can take care of myself. I grew up around SOLDIERS and Turks, I learned to handle weapons at a very young age. All I have on me now is a handgun but I'm really not expecting any trouble.

I've never come here at night and I'm suddenly second guessing my choice to be here as I stand outside the holy structure. Even though one tower is destroyed and the roof has holes in it, it's still undeniably beautiful. I'm completely stricken by the odd pull I'm feeling to enter the church. _Why am I here?_

Before I can think too much on it I push open one of the large doors. The inside is still in disarray from a battle fought here. No one bothers to clean up even though the church is frequented by people still in need of a cure for their Geostigma.

A sudden chill makes me wrap my arms around myself. I take a few steps forward before I'm hit with an intense feeling of paranoia, I feel like I'm being watched. The light of the moon shines through the broken rafters above me giving the pool at the front of the church an ethereal glow. Unconsciously I take a few steps closer to the healing waters, it's then that I notice a slight movement out of the corner of my eyes. My whole body tenses as I take in the dark shadow of a figure kneeling just out of the light near the pool. I don't dare breathe as the figure stands to it's full height.

All air rushes out of my lungs as the being slowly walks forward, their silhouette is tall and sturdy. Something about it strikes me as disturbingly familiar. My heart is hammering in my chest so hard I can hear it. _Something isn't right._ I should be reaching for my gun right now but I'm frozen in place.

The figure finally steps into the moonlight, I think my heart must stop. I choke on a gasp trying to leave my throat. _This isn't happening, I'm hallucinating, I have to be._

The unmistakable silver hair shines in the light, it's longer than I remember. Black leather is torn and tattered, pale skin is caked in blood and dirt.

I want to scream, my ears are ringing, my vision is blurry. I'm scared to even blink. Still he advances on me, so very slowly. He's shrouded in darkness again, but Gaia do those Mako eyes glow menacingly.

Sephiroth stands not two feet away from me, towering over me like he always has. His left hand twitches and I know the end has finally come, masamune will pierce my heart. Death picked the perfect way to end me. _At least I was able to see him one last time._

I look up into the eyes of my former love. I expect rage, madness, maybe even his usual impassive expression. What I see now is none of those things. His eyes are searching, boring into mine with an intensity I can't bear. This is too much. He looks grief stricken and awestruck all at the same time. I watch his sword leave his hand and crash to the floor in what seems to be slow motion. One step forward and he's a breath away from me.

"Alysia?" That familiar deep voice that's haunted me for eight years breaks me.

Tears stream down my cheeks, a choked sob leaves me. He falls to his knees in front of me. Strong arms wrap around my middle, his face pressed into my chest. He's holding me like I'm his lifeline. I know as I tangle my hands into his soft hair that this wrong, but I can't find the strength to care. I'm clinging to him just as he's clinging to me. For one perfect thoughtless moment my shattered heart is mended, I can breathe again.


	2. Hanging On

_Twenty years ago_

"Alysia!" I look up from my book to see Sephiroth running towards me. He has a sword strapped to his back again. He's been training a lot lately.

"You look happy." He's smiling brightly, something I don't see often. It makes me happy to see him happy. He's the best friend I've ever had.

"I did it!" He plops down on the worn couch beside me. One of the 'sisters' gives us a dirty look. That's what we call the women who work at the orphanage.

"What did you do?" He looks very pleased with himself, a common thing for him lately. He's only thirteen but already he's stronger than most of the sixteen year old infantrymen.

"I convinced the Shinra to take you on as a student. They're willing to let you observe the scientist's that work with materia." My mouth drops open.

"What? How? I'm nothing special, why would they let me do that?" He grins again.

"I told them I wouldn't cooperate unless you were able to come with me. They want me to move into headquarters and I only agreed to if you could come too. You'll have to work really hard Alysia. You'll have tutors, you'll have to excel at all your studies or you won't be able to stay." I've realized that Shinra is weirdly interested in my friend.

I was so worried we'd be separated soon and I wouldn't be able to see him often anymore. I thought I'd have to try out for the Turks program when I turned sixteen. I'm not cut out for fighting. I know I'm already more mature than most kids my age and I'm a good student. It's not that I want to work for Shinra all that badly, it's mostly I don't want to be away from Sephiroth. He's my family now.

"I won't let you down Seph!" He ruffles my hair playfully.

"You never have."

* * *

_Present day_

It takes me a few moments to clear my head. I'm still in shock. I really don't understand what's happening. I let my arms fall limply at my sides, silky strands of hair slip through my fingers. The warmth I was feeling leaves me as Sephiroth lets go of me and stands, he takes a few steps back. I don't dare look into his eyes again.

"How are you here? I thought you were dead." My voice is small and shaky. Maybe he is dead and I really have lost my mind completely. He laughs humorlessly, dry and dark.

"It would seem that death is a luxury I may never experience." I press my fingers to my temple and shake my head. What the hell is going on? I'm not strong enough to handle whatever this is.

"Meaning what exactly?" He sighs loudly, as if out of exasperation. Any minute now I'm going to wake up or this ghost is going to kill me.

"Once again my consciousness dissolved into the lifestream, only this time all traces of corruption were wiped clean. The lifestream is pure again, Jenova no longer exists."

Jenova was wiped from creation by what? The healing rain? If that's the case then that's great but that still leaves a million questions. I'm still not convinced I'm not hallucinating, I'm still lost.

"But how are you here?" I chance a look at his face. Gaia he's still so beautiful.

"I spent what seemed to be an infinite amount of time finding myself, trying to sort out what was the truth. I thought I might finally find peace, death. And then a voice told me that it wasn't my time yet. She said I had a great deal of things I needed to make right. I awoke here not thirty minutes before you arrived." A part of me is saying that him being here is not impossible, he has come back twice after all. But there's still too many unanswered questions.

"Why haven't you killed me yet?" I watch for his reaction. I wait for a twisted smile to contort his gorgeous face into something frightening. Instead he raises an eyebrow before a look of deep sorrow sets in.

"Jenova is gone, so is any influence she had over me. I would never hurt you." Is he serious? This time I'm the one laughing darkly.

"So you're going to blame everything that's happened on an alien!? Everything you did wasn't really your fault, it was hers? And you would never 'hurt me'? Are you fucking kidding me Sephiroth!?"

I'm waiting for the death blow still. Surely if he's really him I'll be dead any minute now. He still looks like a lost little boy, it doesn't suit him.

Even when he was still my Sephiroth he never looked like this. He was never easy to read. Everyone besides the few of us who knew him thought he was cold and distant. I knew better of course but the older we got the more SOLDIER changed him. He became a strong confident man who could no longer afford to show any signs of weakness. He was intelligent beyond his years, had a dry sense of humor, he always chose his words carefully, and he had a slight arrogance about him even when we were younger. I guess in some way he always knew he was different.

Years of pent up anger and sadness is exploding out of me. He's not saying anything so I may as well get it all out despite the consequences.

"You not only hurt me, you _shattered_ me! I don't live anymore, I just exist. I go through the motions every fucking day but I'm miserable. My life ended eight years ago when you turned your back on me. I know after we lost Genesis and Angeal that things were different but we still had _each other_! You are all I ever wanted! I loved you so damn much. I would have died for you Sephiroth!"

I'm shaking violently, screaming in my emotion. _Please end it now_. He takes a step towards me and I take a step back. He's trying to reach out to me and I don't understand why. I can't bear to let him touch me again. He waits a few moments before he begins to speak.

"In Nibelheim…when I learned of what I truly was, who I was, I lost myself. I suspected that the experiments that created Genesis and Angeal might have also been what made me but to see it in writing was something I wasn't prepared for. I was a perfect monster as Genesis put it. My whole life I felt I was a freak and then I found out that I was. The man who constantly frightened me and experimented on me from the time I was a child was really my father, my mother consented to have me experimented on when I was in the womb. A mother is supposed to protect her child, to love them unconditionally, instead she let my father use me to progress science. To find all of this out right after I lost the two men who were like family to me was completely devastating. The company I devoted my life to was destroying everything around me. I was enraged and depressed. From the first moment that I stepped into that reactor with Zack and read the name Jenova on that tank, something changed in me. A voice urged me to go to the Shinra mansion and a voice told me to seek revenge when I found the truth. I let Jenova influence me because of the state I was in. I was weak. So no, I do not put the blame on Jenova. I made the choice to let her in. Everything that happened after that was a result of that one choice. A choice made in a moment of weakness and desperation."

I'm sobbing again. I want to cover my ears and not hear what he has to say even though an explanation is all I've ever wanted. I want to hate him as much as I love him. I want to be disgusted by everything he's done but really I'm only disgusted with myself for being able to sympathize with him. Nibelheim and everything after should blackout everything I ever felt for him before that but in truth it never has. There has always been a part of me that prayed that his actions weren't his own. And now looking at him all I want to do is run into his arms and never let him go. And that makes me a truly twisted individual.

"I have one more question for you." I barely get the words out. He nods his head for me to continue. "In Nibelheim, in the reactor, I tried to make you see reason, I stood between you and Zack…why even though you attacked everyone else, did you leave me unscathed?" That night has been on loop in my mind hundreds of times. He had completely ignored me, walked past me like he didn't see or hear me.

He seems to seriously think through his answer. He visibly swallows before speaking. "I was not so lost in that moment that I would have harmed you Alysia. Had I spoken to you, all would have been lost. I don't think I would have ever killed you but the best you could have hoped for was an invitation to follow me down that path of destruction." I clench my jaw as thoughts I don't want to voice enter my mind. He tilts his head slightly as if trying to read me. "May I ask you a question now?" I find myself nodding even though I know I don't want to hear it. " _Would_ you have joined me if I asked?" I instantly go cold. Why did he have to ask that? And why am I still unable to lie to him?

"I've asked myself that same question dozens of times over the years. And I know deep down that the answer is yes, I would have followed you anywhere." I'm sickened by that truth. What is wrong with me? A sad smile touches his lips. He closes his eyes in contemplation for a quick second before meeting mine.

"I suspected as much." I want to slap him because of his arrogance but the expression he wears is so tender I'm caught off guard. "Because had our roles been reversed I would have tried to stop you and then when that failed I would have gladly joined you in your hell rather than lose you forever." That statement is so beyond fucked up its not even funny, mostly because I know exactly what he means. "Perhaps that is why I chose to ignore you that night. Maybe I was trying to save you from following me down that path." I don't know if I can believe that. I don't know if I can really believe any of this.

This conversation has left me mentally and emotionally drained. I'm unbelievably tired. I don't think I can handle much more of this tonight. What can I do now? He too looks exhausted. I don't have many options here. Before I can think too much on it I make a decision that may prove to be very stupid.

"We should go." He raises an eyebrow in question.

"You want me to leave with you?" He's taken aback.

"People visit here a lot. If anyone sees you you'll be attacked." Disbelief is all I can read in his blank stare that continues on for far too long. I muster up the courage to sound annoyed. "Do you _want_ to be killed?" Finally he shakes his head.

"You are truly an astonishing creature." He's told me this before. A small part of me warms at the familiar statement but I push it back.

I turn away from him without another word and begin walking. I hear the scrape of his sword as he picks it up. I'm still not convinced he wont suddenly decide to kill me. His boots are loud as he falls into step slightly behind me. We walk out of the church, he's beside me looking around in interest. It's almost as if he's seeing the wreckage of this former great city for the first time.

"Were you not frightened to be here in the middle of the night by yourself?" I'm not the same woman I used to be, I don't need his protection like I used to. I lift my long sweater to reveal the gun holstered at my hip. "Ah, glad to see you can still handle yourself." He looks slightly amused. This is all way too easy.

I walk a little quicker to hopefully keep him from speaking anymore. We reach my car quickly. Thankfully people don't come out here much at night. Masamune has to be placed long ways spanning from my front to back seat. It's so odd to look over and see this man sitting in my passenger seat as I drive. He just stares out the window, taking everything in. I drive faster than I normally would once we near the city. I live a few miles outside of Edge. We only have to drive through the city for a few minutes until we reach a turn off that leads out. My house is secluded, I don't really have any neighbors. I like to be alone.

I don't acknowledge him as I walk into my home, he follows behind me. I click the lights on in the kitchen. The house is one story with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. I haven't painted or decorated much other than pictures hanging here and there.

I almost gasp aloud when I see Sephiroth in the bright lights of the kitchen. He's a filthy mess, dirt and blood stain his clothing and skin. His clothing is tattered, his hair is tangled in knots. But still he's just as attractive as he's always been. I wonder how he got in such a state of disarray? I gesture for him to follow me through the living room and down the hallway to the bathroom.

"You can shower. Just put your clothes in the basket over there and I'll take care of it. I'll set some fresh clothes on the bed in the room across the hall. There's new toothbrushes and stuff under the counter, help yourself." I try not to sound too hospitable but know I'm failing miserably because of the weirdness of this situation and the exhaustion I'm feeling.

"Thank you." I leave him be and go to the spare room. I quickly find some sheets in the closet and make the full sized bed. Clean white sheets and a red comforter are made up welcomingly. I know I shouldn't have brought him home but what real choice did I have?

I go to my own bedroom and dig through the back of my closet where I find what I was searching for. I let out a shaky breath as I stare at the clothing in my hands. A plain black t shirt and black sweatpants. I don't want to admit how many times I myself have worn the oversized clothing to bed. There's an unopened pack of boxer briefs in one of the few boxes in the back of my closet. Boxes I should have thrown out long ago. I take it all back to the spare room and set it on the bed.

I get ready for bed in my own bathroom, changing into a pair of grey yoga pants and a pink tank top. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of changing up my routine. I need to act just like I would if he wasn't here. I stare at myself in the mirror, I don't look as tired as I feel. My bright blue eyes are a little swollen from crying, my long lashes coated with tears that weren't wiped away. My pale skin is flushed slightly, not surprising given all that's happened. My long wavy dark red hair is a little worse for wear so I pull it back in a ponytail. I take a deep breath and walk out of my room. The guest bathrooms door is open but the bedroom door is closed, he must be in there.

I go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of hot tea. I hear movement behind me as I throw the tea bag out. I brace myself before turning to face my 'guest'. Gaia is he a wonder to behold. He looks much better now that he's clean. The clothing still fits him like a glove even though the black is slightly faded. His hair is even longer than it used to be, his bangs are almost the same length as the rest of it now. But he really hasn't changed much.

"These clothes are mine are they not?" He sounds confused about it but slightly pleased. I'm pathetic really. I walk past him to go to the living room.

"After the Nibelheim incident I raced back to headquarters. Everyone thought I was on vacation still, no one knew that I had seen everything that happened. I got to the SOLDIER floor and to your room before Hojo or anyone ever had the chance. I still had all the keycards you'd given me. Once I got to your room I took everything I could. Your clothes, your toothbrush, combs, everything that would have left a trace of you. I was scared they'd be able to do something with even one hair of yours after I found out everything in Nibelheim." I hate voicing all of this. Why the hell does he look so proud? His arms are crossed across his chest as he leans against the wall near me, a small smile on his face. I don't want him to look this at ease.

"You always were quite smart, I'm thankful that you did all that." Thankful that I was an idiot who still wanted to protect him after he burnt down Nibelheim and slaughtered the townspeople? I am such a fool. "Tell me though, after all these years why did you still keep it all?" He has some fucking nerve to be asking me anything like this. He's still an arrogant bastard, the look on his face tells me he knows I wore those clothes to sleep. They used to still smell like him and on lonely nights it gave me a small amount of comfort to have a reminder of the man he used to be.

"I should get to bed, I suggest you do the same." I stand abruptly, trying to run from his questioning. If I stay awake any longer I'll end up hitting him, and psycho still or not I highly doubt he'd take it very well. Before I can reach my room he yells down the hall to me.

"Do they know?" I turn back to face him as he walks towards me.

"What are you talking about?" I narrow my eyes at him suspiciously.

"I saw the pictures in the living room. You're a member of the WRO. You work with Cloud Strife and his group, I take it that you are all friends. Do they know of your past with me?" My heart plummets. I didn't think of all the pictures I have of my friends and I. Bringing him here was definitely a mistake. The man that managed to kill him twice is my good friend. Will he murder me now?

"Cloud and Tifa saw me in Nibelheim, they've never asked about my connection to you. Maybe they don't want to know, or maybe they just respect my privacy. I don't try to dig into their pasts, they're kind enough to do the same. The world is in need of some cleaning up and I'm more than willing to help out. I'm lucky to have found some good friends along the way." Maybe I'm just daring him to say something against them, to finally snap because I can't believe for one second that he's the man he used to be.

"I hope they realize how fortunate they are to have you in their lives." I blink a few times too many just trying to take his words in. This is all way too easy.

"You planning to try to kill them again?" He laughs, actually laughs wholeheartedly. It's unnerving. I was hoping to catch him off guard with my straightforward question.

"You think I'm still insane don't you?" I give him a look that screams 'duh.' "I can assure you I'm quite sane." I don't believe that for a second.

"So you're not planning an attack? You don't have some huge mastermind revenge plot stewing in that crazy head of yours Seph?" I want to get to him, I want him to get angry and prove me right.

"I promise I will only ever lift my sword to protect myself." He has to be full of shit. He loves fighting.

"I really can't bring myself to believe you for some reason, sorry." There's no way he can't hear the sarcasm dripping in my voice. All he does is shrug.

"I suppose I will just have to prove myself to you." I roll my eyes. Why am I trying to egg him on so much? Do I have a death wish? "When will you tell them that I'm alive?" I haven't thought that far ahead yet. This has happened so quickly. Even thinking about what tomorrow may bring has me feeling sick with stress.

"I'm not going to tell them anything….at least not now. There's too many things I have to explain." My voice is quiet again, distant. So many conversations I don't want to have. There's no doubt in my mind that if I tell Cloud that Sephiroth is staying at my house that he'd show up here and try to kill him no questions asked. And as much as I don't want to admit it the thought of losing him yet again pains me.

"I will respect whatever decision you make. If you feel the need to tell them then do so." I hate how understanding he sounds. He sounds like the old him, the person he only ever was with me. I'm feeling vulnerable and let my curiosity overtake my good sense.

"What will you do now? What are your plans Sephiroth?" He takes a few steps closer to me. He stares into my eyes with too much intensity again.

"I cannot change the past…but I can make sure my future brings no more sorrow to the world. I suppose I want to redeem myself." His words make me tear up, I want to believe them so badly. I turn away from him and open the door to my bedroom. I pause before stepping in.

"I really hope you mean that." My words are no louder than a whisper but I know with his heightened senses that he hears me.

"All I ever wanted was to be the man you always believed me to be. Perhaps someday I can be that person." Now the tears do fall. I'm so grateful that I'm not facing him. I close the door and cover my mouth to stifle a sob. _He's going to break me so easily._


	3. Love Is Blindness

I toss and turn all night. I get a few minutes of sleep here and there but I'm way too restless and stressed. Might be the fact that my (supposedly) ex psychopathic murdering ex-boyfriend who has risen from the grave for the third time is now sleeping in a room right next to me. I think most people in my position wouldn't be getting much sleep.

I finally drag myself out of bed at eight in the morning. I shower in my bathroom quickly. I triple check to make sure the door is locked. I change into a pair of dark jeans and a yellow flowy top. I apply my usual makeup and let my long wavy hair stay down. I refuse to change my routine because of my surprise guest.

I walk quietly out of my room. The door to the guest room is closed still, which I'm grateful for. I really didn't want to be unnerved first thing in the morning by seeing Sephiroth casually sitting on my couch watching TV or something similarly as odd. I know he has to be awake, he was always an early riser.

I put on a pot of coffee. I stop halfway into my reach for a cereal bar. Maybe I should make breakfast. I laugh at my own ridiculousness. I'm going to make breakfast for a man that not only destroyed my own life but the lives of countless others. He's not just some guy who made some bad choices. He slaughtered innocent people, probably more people than I even know of. And here I am going through my refrigerator grabbing a carton of eggs, and trying to find the bacon that's at the bottom of the crisper.

Twenty minutes later and I have two plates of scrambled eggs, bacon, and hash browns set on my small corner table.

I walk slowly to the door of the guest bedroom. It takes me a few minutes to work up the nerve to knock. I hear some rustling around and footsteps before the door is opened. My heart is hammering in my chest yet again. Sephiroth looks down at me with a questioning gaze. He is the perfect example of a beautiful man. His features are sharp and striking. He's always been unbelievably attractive, it's no wonder he used to have fan clubs when he was a first class Soldier. Those hauntingly gorgeous green eyes of his seem so clear, completely lacking any ill intent. Even after everything he's able to leave me breathless with just a glance. _How can I still feel so much for him?_

"I made breakfast." I force myself to speak, I manage to say the words without stumbling over them. He looks surprised to say the least. He follows me into the kitchen. I sit down at the table and look to him when he doesn't join me. He's standing wide eyed a few feet away.

"Are you going to sit down? Eggs don't taste too great cold ya know?" He shakes his head slightly as if to break himself out of whatever he was thinking. Finally he sits down across from me.

I try not to watch him as he slowly eats his food, he acts as if he's savoring it. Sitting down to a meal with Sephiroth is surreal and distantly familiar. How many times had I made breakfast for him in the past?

"Thank you, your cooking is just as wonderful as it used to be." I shouldn't get a surge of pleasure from the compliment.

I finish eating and take my plate to the sink to wash. I turn the faucet on but stop when a hand reaches for my plate. I'm barely able to turn around Sephiroth is so close to me. I'm locked in his predatory gaze. I should be feeling fear, having him this close to me is probably dangerous. My heart is quickening with something far from fright. I shouldn't be feeling this amount of attraction for him anymore.

"The least I can do is wash the dishes." I blink in confusion for a moment before the words set in. My mind is just not where it should be.

"Uh…sure." I duck my head from his gaze and quickly move out of his way.

Again it's so odd to watch him standing at my sink doing dishes. Back when we were together he always was a gentleman, privately of course. General Sephiroth couldn't exactly look like a softie in front of the Shinra troops. Even from the beginning of his involvement with Shinra he was always the strongest.

_Fifteen years ago_

My head is about to explode! I'm so tired of staring at the formulas in front of me. I'm already smart enough to be wearing a lab coat in this place and still they insist on making me study. My phone rings beside me. I smile when I see whose calling.

"Hey Seph! Lunchtime already?" I get off my bed and set my books to the side.

"I suggest you get here quickly. Angeal is well on his way to eating everything the cafeteria has to offer." I giggle when I hear grumbling in the background.

I hang up my phone and leave my room. I jog quickly to the nearby elevator. My room is on a lower level than the Soldier floor but I have access to some of the upper levels. I do a lot of work in the Materia wing of the Soldier floor. People had long ago stopped staring at the sixteen year old girl who spent almost every day eating in the cafeteria with three of the top Soldiers.

I enter the cafeteria filled with men in uniform. I spy a head of red hair slightly lighter than my own and walk towards it.

"Ah, there is our flower." Genesis smiles warmly at me, pulling me into an embrace that's lasting too long to be normal. My cheeks must be stained a deep red, they feel warm. It really wasn't until recently that I started noticing the opposite sex in a romantic way, I guess I'm a late bloomer. Being a teenager changes everything. And honestly anyone with eyes would find Genesis attractive.

"You do realize that the entire cafeteria is staring at you, don't you?" Genesis's chest rumbles with a chuckle against my cheek at Angeal's question.

"I'm well aware." I try to pull back but he holds me to him. He strokes my long hair with a gentle hand. "Just give me a moment longer little one." He whispers the words against my ear making me shiver.

The loud cafeteria momentarily quiets save for the sounds of boot steps nearby. A throat clears close to us.

"What exactly are you doing?" My heart quickens at the sound of Sephiroth's voice. This time Genesis easily lets me pull away from him. My silver haired friend has his eyes narrowed at the red head. Genesis looks his usual smug self.

"I was merely showing Alysia the affection she deserves. I do not think she realizes exactly how precious she is to our quartet." Angeal lets out an exasperated sigh beside me.

"Let's get you some lunch." Angeal walks between our friends and guides me away from them. I look back over my shoulder to see Genesis chuckling and Sephiroth walking away.

"What the hell is up with those two lately?" I grab a plastic tray and slide it along the metal counter. Angeal walks behind me, he must already have food at the table.

"At our latest meeting the topic of promotions was brought up." I raise an eyebrow at my friend. He gestures for me to get my food. I decide on a simple sandwich and a bag of chips. No loading up on red meat for me, I'm no Soldier.

"The higher ups believe that the three of us far exceed the other second class Soldiers." That was a very well-known fact. At only eighteen my three friends were stronger than anyone who's ever been in the Soldier program.

"Well duh Ang. Shouldn't that make everyone happy though? There's some real tension between Sephiroth and Genesis lately." I didn't like seeing them argue. I pay for my food and start slowly walking towards our table.

"There's whispers that they want Sephiroth to become general." I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face the black haired man.

"General of the entire army!? No one would go for that! There's first class Soldiers twice Sephiroth's age that will expect that title when the current general retires." Who would listen to an eighteen year old who'd only technically been a member of Soldier for three years?

Angeal looks past me to our table, neither of our friends are there. We make our way there in silence. I sit down across from Angeal with an expectant look on my face. He lets out a sigh before biting into an apple.

"You know Seph better than any of us but you don't see him on the battlefield. He's not just good, he's amazing. Genesis and I are stronger and more skilled than most of the other Soldiers but Sephiroth is better than both of us combined. It comes easy to him, he could probably kill off an entire army blindfolded. Everyone respects him and even more than that I think people…fear him." I scoff at that. Fear Sephiroth? Sure he's a cold bastard to most people and more than a little intimidating sometimes but he's not actually scary.

"Why would any of his comrades fear him?" Angeal seems hesitant to answer.

"Gen and I are better than the rest but not to the degree of Sephiroth. His strength, his instincts, his finesse, it's not _normal_." My fist clenches at his words. I want to reach across the table and slap him. _I'm not normal, I've always known it_. Sephiroth has said those words to me more times than I care to remember. He's always felt like an outsider, but he's not. If only he knew how much I cared for him.

"Don't you dare say that Angeal. Do you have any idea how hurt he would be by that statement? He's not some freak!" His blue grey eyes soften and he smiles sadly.

"I'm the last person you have to tell that to. I wasn't trying to insult him. I was only stating the way the others see him. All four of us feel different, like we don't quite belong, perhaps that is why we have become so close." I feel bad for snapping at him. I'm always so quick to defend Sephiroth. He means the world to me.

"So, Genesis is jealous?" I guide our conversation back to where it should be.

"I believe so. He's always felt like he needs to prove himself, to be better than everyone else. I think he sees Sephiroth as the only thing standing in his way of being on top. He craves attention, he wants to be a hero, _the_ hero." I sigh and shake my head. Oh, Genesis.

"Neither of them has to be better than the other. Why can't Gen just be proud of who he is? We all care about him. We're a _family_." When Sephiroth and I met Angeal and Genesis five years ago we instantly clicked. We are inseparable, they're my family.

"Yes we are, and Genesis knows that, it's just hard for him to get past his own insecurities sometimes." If anyone in the world shouldn't be insecure it's Genesis Rhapsados. He's brilliant, charismatic, and undeniable attractive. He's already a well-known face here in Midgar. Women fawn over him whenever we got out into the city.

"Why'd he have to be all weird and touchy feely with me earlier? He teases me a lot but he's never treated me like an actual girl before." Angeal chuckles.

"He was trying to get a rise out of Sephiroth and it obviously worked." I'm confused. I guess Sephiroth has always been protective of me but Genesis is his friend.

"That makes no sense." Angeal stares at me blankly before wiping a hand over his face in what looks to be disbelief.

"I swear you are all clueless. He wanted to make Sephiroth jealous." Jealous? Why the hell would he be jealous of Genesis touching me? I must look as dumbfounded as I feel. My friend lets out a groan.

"Your feelings for Sephiroth are different than your feelings for Genesis and I aren't they?" I blush scarlet. My feelings for him are something I try not to dwell on, he'll never feel the same way. It's an impossible dream.

"How'd you know?" He chuckles again.

"I'm an observant man, I'm good at reading people. You and Sephiroth gravitate towards each other. Unfortunately you're both stubborn as all hell. Eventually one of you will fess up in some kind of explosion of emotion. Honestly I hope I'm there to witness it, it's bound to be amusing."

"Shut the fuck up!" He grins at my annoyed tone.

The sudden scraping sound of the chair beside me being pulled out makes me jump. Sephiroth sits down beside me. My face flushes immediately causing the silver haired man to raise an eyebrow.

"I don't believe I've ever seen you blush before Alysia. Whatever were you two talking about?" Angeal busts out into a fit of laughter. I kick him underneath the table. Genesis too has made his way to our table, he sits next to Angeal.

"What's so amusing?" Sephiroth shrugs his shoulders at the red head, clearly just as confused.

"Ang is just being an immature jackass." I glare at said man who's finally stopped laughing.

Our lunch continues with small talk and good humor. Genesis and Sephiroth seem fine now, thank Gaia for that.

_Present Day_

I've been sitting on my couch in complete silence for what seems like a long while now.

"Are you alright?" Sephiroth must have just finished up in the kitchen. He sits down in the recliner chair near me.

I study the concerned look on his face with interest. Can you truly come back from that kind of insanity? I want to believe it more than anything. But am I capable of the kind of forgiveness that would be needed to allow him to move forward?

"I haven't been alright in a really long time." I've never lied to him, not once. He nods slightly in acceptance of my statement.

"Why are you so willing to help me? You of all people should hate me for all that I have done and caused." Hate? I couldn't hate him if I tried, and I have tried.

"If it weren't for you I probably wouldn't be alive. If you'd never found me that day in the slums I would have either ended up in one of the many shitty street gangs or criminal organizations or maybe at the Honeybee Inn. You _saved_ me. My life began that day twenty three years ago. You showed me a happiness I never believed existed. You were my best friend, my family, my everything. The amount of _love_ I felt for you…it's irrevocable." His eyes widen visibly, my voice is cracking. "I don't think there's any way to go back and I'm not promising you forgiveness or friendship. I'm just telling you I won't give up on you until you completely give up on yourself. Prove to me that that man I used to know still exists and I'll do whatever I can to help you get a fresh start." He looks touched, more so than I've ever really seen. I don't know if I can handle a Sephiroth that's so easy to read.

Luckily he stands and his usual look of indifference is back. He squares his shoulders and a shine of determination glows in his green eyes. "I suppose it's time to prepare ourselves for a difficult battle." I raise an eyebrow in question. "We have to convince the entire planet that I'm no longer a threat. It might be the first mission I ever fail at." I can't help but laugh. He doesn't sound entirely serious. I stand beside him, feeling a little lighter.

"Failure isn't a word in your vocabulary General." My heart skips a beat at his smile. It's been so long since I've seen it, it makes my heart ache. _Can I really do this or will it all be too much to bear?_


End file.
